by Christopher Bayliss

©Ballis, 2023

We see a lot of items come through the loading bay door aimed at the BDSM market or, rather, the sex toy industry’s perception of the BDSM & kink market and very few of them live up to the promise. It’s a delight when something good comes along. The Extreme Bondage Table is an exception even if the packaging has plenty to be desired.

It takes a while to get this thing out of a heavy layer of cardboard to find a showroom display sleeve surrounding yet another carton. Once revealed, the pictures on display sleeve are decidedly vanilla. We have a model in black lingerie holding a random implement over an abs-ripped male trussed up like a turkey on the table. Other pictures on the packaging give us a look at various ways to use the bench with the lady stark naked while the male model is wearing leather jeans and wielding a dildo on a stick, and with a few impact and electro toys. We see the cuffs that are included with the table and, in one of the photos, a different set of cuffs which leaves you to question how nice the included cuffs are.

After more unpacking and cutting of cardboard, it is time to set up the table.

Once set up, it is similar to a low massage table but getting it set up is more tedious than a portable massage table. This thing is much heavier, thanks to sturdy metal frame and legs, and unfolding this thing and flipping it over is clumsy without any way to lock the hinges.

The whole thing is black because everyone in the BDSM scene is colour blind or like to trip over things in the dark. At a bit over 25 inches (63cm), it is shorter than an average kitchen table. Some folks may find it a bit too low for a bent-over spanking. The top is nicely padded and upholstered in PU leather which is not leather, it is PU or poly urethane sheeting given a deceptive name. There is a face hole with a plug as you would find in a standard massage table but, be warned, the hole lacks cleats that will hold the plug in place, it can be accidentally pushed through. It is also wider than the usual massage table face hole when it should be longer to accommodate shorter or taller people. There is another hole around groin-level that should have a plug but does not – I have adapted a number of massage tables for dom(me)s over the years for the same purpose and cannot see why this second hole does not have a plug.

There is a line of D-rings along each side and on each end to provide plenty of restraint options and the table comes with a set of nicely made, lightly padded PU leather (ugh!) wrist and ankle cuffs. The D-rings are thin but strong enough, they are held in place with straps of fake leather when they should be bolted or rivetted on with plates for greater durability. Note: the hardware on the cuffs and the D-rings are nickel plated, an allergy problem for some. The tongue holes on the PU cuff straps will fray. The cuffs can be stored in the hollow of the folded-up table and you can fit a few other items in there if you are afraid granny may see your toys when she comes around to visit.

The table is rated to hold 3OOlb (a little under 135 kilos) or two slim people. Or three very slim people. Or one really big one. You decide. The manufacture is sturdy, there is no wobble once set up. It could do with a carry handle as similar-looking massage tables have.

How to use this thing? That’s up to you but, remember, it only comes with the cuffs, you will need to find the other items on the packaging yourself. The lower hole is interesting for CBT and other genital

work. The packaging photos include one of the lady laying under the bed with a vibrator to attend to a man lying on the table. From my own experience modifying massage tables for dungeon environments, a long mirror laid under the table can give the sub an interesting view of what is going on down there and probably more convenient than shimmying around on the floor under a short table in your underwear.

If you are going to take position suggestions from the packaging, there are some you may wish to avoid or modify. Being spanked while bent over the bench from standing may work for shorter people but anyone average size or taller will have self-support problems and will require a bolster or plenty of pillows under their torso, especially if their legs go to jelly as can often happen. An average height play leader will risk lumbar pain if administering punishment. Work on anyone who is lying flat may also lead to back pain. 0ther positions such as on hands-and-knees on the table are more viable. Massage could be difficult unless you are a bunch of dwarves giving Snow White a good time.

My test run included low-level impact and some electro with a neon wand. The low height made some of the neon wand work easy from above but the stooping was not comfortable as the session drew on. The submissive reports the table was very comfortable to lay on, enjoyed being bound from many anchor points but found it sweatier to lay on than a high-quality vinyl or leather.

After play, wiping down and folding up was easy. It could have been easier with a carry handle and this thing really needs a storage/carry bag. This is a sturdy piece of kink furniture, probably not strong enough for a pro dungeon, it is ideal for the travelling kinkster, and fine for the home dungeon if you have the space, 7O x 24 inches (175 x 6Ocm) plus a few feet all around.

An overall verdict? It lacks the shape and size nuance of a true spanking bench or bondage bed but is very good as general playspace furniture. The PU and powder-coated metal is easy to clean. Beware the alloy struts supporting the legs, they may rust in time as will the D-rings. The stitching, where visible, is okay, secure but not pretty. The legs should be extendable, it is a shame they are not. For the one I purchased, I will be adding a support for the face hole and a clip to hold the hinges open while I am trying to flip it over when setting up.

Now, the get rid of all this cardboard …